I bet this guy makes great fried chicken.
Yeah, I fucks with Jurassic Park
Mmm Dinosaur eggs and waffles.
Back to the Protagonists (Mr. Toney you were right). The main character, Alan Grant protects all the grand-kids from the Dinosaurs. He runs into a T-Rex like 6 times but because he knows that T-Rex’s only see movement he escapes. Alan Grant basically is playing "Hide and Go Seek" with this T-Rex the whole movie.
There's some Velociraptors in it and they’re pretty dope. Basically they were so good in this movie they got an entire basketball team named after them. That’s pretty huge. Jaws didn’t do it, Deep Blue Sea didn’t do it, You don’t see the San Jose Sharknado’s... it was a real boss move at the time. They still put that team in Canada just to let Velociraptors know like
"Yeah, y’all were cool but y’all still dead."
Umm what else? oh, Samuel L Jackson, he yelled in the movie and died but you could have only known that by seeing his name in the credits. The rest of the cast lived and made it off the Island. You should have seen John Hammond’s face he was heartbroken cause his dream was done. Mind you he created a park that killed like 60 people but he’s mad because no one got to pet a stegosaurus.
To recap, it was a good movie but it had no CGI. So, I wouldn’t recommend it. They also came out with like 6 more of them, so I guess at some point they fixed their major flaw and finally got some roller coasters.
Lastly, stay safe out there eating waffles if you a vegan.
"You’ve never seen that movie before?"
"How have you never seen it?"
"What are you doing in life?"
… Do you hear that a lot? I hear that shit all the time and It’s usually by someone doing less in life. Well I’m trying to watch some of these movies everyone is asking you about, and this column is a reference guide for people like us. Next time someone brings up these 90 minute "Cultural Landmarks" you can read this and decide to watch it or use these as cliff notes. I did my book reports off cliff notes or I'd watch the movie, because movies are better than books. That’s superfacts don’t argue with me. The only movie that was worse than the book is the Passion of the Christ. Big shout-out to my lord and savior Jesus Christ.
The movie I’m reviewing is 1993’s Jurassic Park. It was a book. The book isn’t as good as the movie. The movie isn’t as good as this review. That's the hierarchy, learn it.
Jurassic Park is a movie about a rich dude named John Hammond that runs a Dinosaur Theme Park, but I use those terms loosely. It had no roller coasters, no water park, and the lines weren’t even long. It had no theme park shit. Really it was a Dinosaur Zoo but everyone knows Zoo’s make less money than theme parks so they probably did a focus group and theme park won. I’d be so pissed off to find out I spent 7 dollars for a Coca-Cola at a zoo. I’d expect you to pull that shit at a theme park but not a zoo.
Quentin Davis is a Soldier, former Exotic Dancer, Father, and comedian. He has performed at various comedy clubs and more than one country. He currently tells jokes and fights for your freedom of speech.
So you’re welcome.
MONEYSHOT! Also, I bet this guy makes great fried chicken.
I'd like to see a T-Rex do this...
Quentin Davis
Entertainment Columnist
Okay I think I’m getting off topic.
Basically they found a way to get Dinosaur DNA from tree sap that was millions of years old. I don't know what dude was trying to make pancakes and went to his tree and found this old ass mosquito and was like “Lets test this for Dinosaur.” You know how many Waffles probably got covered with that syrup before this dude figured it out. Good thing this was before vegans were invented because they probably would think they were killing it on the kale grind but really they were eating old ass mosquito's with Dinosaur residue. So, they get all these Dinosaur lovers together to test the park out. One guy is a Paleontologist (some shit with lizards), Alan Grant. Another guy is a Mathematician (who the fuck knows), Dr. Ian Malcolm. Then, there is a Dr. Lex Murphy who I think is on the Paleo Diet, and the Hammond guys grand-kid's were there too. They fly all of them out there to see the park and basically give this shit a yelp review. So in any story you reach a turning point. (Big shoutout to Mr. Toney 12th grade English)
There’s this real fat scientist who is making a deal to double cross John Hammond, and sell the Dinosaur Recipe. If you wondering his marital status, his name is literally Dennis Nerdy. If he has any kids I promise you he didn’t father them. Anyway he waits until everyone is on the tour of the theme park, then shuts the power and steals all the Dinosaur DNA to sell that shit to a competitor. Its wild but this fat guy really ruined the whole thing for everybody. I'm not trying to body shame him but I can tell he’s not the type to snitch. The police could have him in for questioning, tell him to spill the beans and he wouldn’t for the simple fact that he doesn’t waste food. His stretch marks probably look like watermelon bark. He puts a virus into the system which shuts down the power at the park and the Dinosaurs are let loose. Then he tries to leave the park and his car gets stuck. This dinosaur with fan for a neck just kills him on sight.